Let things go wrong

What’s your biggest fear? 

Mine was to not have control over something. It scared me to not be able to be in charge of myself or my life. That’s why I hated to go to dentist because I wouldn’t have control of what’s going to happen and could only rely on the dentist. 

What if things went wrong? 

Was I supposed to lie down and just accepted everything?

That’s why I hated surprises. I even told my husband one time to never give me any gift without me knowing, because I hated dealing with the unexpected. 

How am I supposed to act? 

Should I cry in happiness as a form of appreciation?

That’s why I got so stressed out over the past five years because my reality doesn’t keep up with my expectations. And I felt like I lost my controls over everything. 

But I guess life is a nonstop learning. Through everything, I learned that there is indeed, a much bigger controller of the universe. That I would keep walking on my tiptoe as if I was avoiding a lion to be awaken, if I didn’t try to believe that someone up there has taken care of everything for me. That everything has been written. That nothing was actually ever under my control, they just seem like they were. That accepting and letting things go “wrong” according-to-my-perspective could actually be a definite answer to every question I had. Things that I thought so “wrong”, might not be wrong at all.

Life is amazing, again it’s the matter of learning and I’ve been learning so much in the past five years even when I thought I have only been a failure. 

Yes, I’ve been thinking I’m a failure since I moved to Australia. I graduated from Universitas Indonesia, majoring in interior architecture, but I didn’t work as an interior designer. In fact, I’m still questioning myself if I really want to pursue that career path when I’m almost thirty.

I have been married for 5 years, but we haven’t gotten any kids yet. So basically, every society’s standard you could possibly imagine, I haven’t checked on the list. So you could say, I’m a failure based on society’s standards. 

But what if those happened to teach me something? 

That I actually could make my own standard and not worry about a thing? To loosen up my tense, trust in the universe’s Ruler, not demanding myself too much, and be okay to face my biggest fear?

I guess to find the answer, I have to let things “go wrong” a bit more and observe what is going to appear. 
Interesting.